Puzzle Pieces
by 13thegirlwiththeglasses27
Summary: AU. One shot. Their life was in pieces, fragmenting by their flaws and emotional baggage and breathing in the cycles of their inner turmoils. Yet, in a day spent believing their everything could just become their mistake for love showed them something they had clearly missed – the bigger picture.


Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Legend:

Italics represent the memory, flashback, past

Fine print or non-italics represent the present

* * *

_I was drowning; drowning amongst the hungry waves of the ocean. I was drowning. Struggling to breath in oxygen for my lungs, struggling to keep my head above water. I was drowning and I found myself slipping, slipping down the depth of the ocean, watching the glistening skyline sparkle above me, letting the bubbles envelope my body, permitting the cold won over my body temperature. In that moment, I found peace, silence… and relief. _

_I was drowning but before I knew, I was saved. Feeling the screaming urgency of my lungs, oxygen flooded into me like never before. My head finally above water. My vision slightly blurred failed to help me. One by one, I felt the sting of breathing, felt the exhaustion on my limbs, feeling the water became nothing but a blanket that unfolded me into shore. I coughed, gagged and vomited water. I felt the grains of sand under my body, how each slowly move in accordance to the force of the waves coming in. It felt warm. _

_Sounds of wheezing reached my hearing and with little strength left in me, I found the source of the sounds. It was a woman with dark raven hair with shimmering emerald eyes. She lay no farther than me; her body sprawled across the shoreline. For a second, I couldn't believe it. Someone, some woman saved me. Instantly, I was filled with gratitude as I rushed to her side. That was when I remembered._

"_Jill…I'm sorry." A feminine voice whispered into my ears._

_I moved the woman to lie on her back and tears began to form in my eyes. Her skin pale as snow, she was cold as ice. Despite of her weak condition, she managed to form a coy smirk on her blue lips. My exhaustion faded as a new pain set in. It latched on my heart and pierced through its muscles like a leech. It didn't take much for my brain to spill out the word that gave strength to the pain burrowing inside my chest._

"_Evey." I said her name gently as if it was a wish I was afraid to give._

_I felt her cool hand reach my cheek and her eyes coloured like a new leaf in spring. I tightly pulled her in my arms, afraid that if I loosened; she'd turn into sand and get washed away into the ocean._

"_Evey, please…. Hold on, okay? Stay for me, love." I heard myself say and heard my voice betray my blind confidence._

"_I love you." I heard her say weakly as she ran her thumb on my cheek._

_Without warning, Evey grabbed me and gave me one last kiss; a kiss that smelt of ocean breeze and taste of salt water. However, I felt all the love she had, all the happiness she experienced and the pain of leaving me. Still, as I felt her slowly dissipate from my arms, I kept my lips against hers…. Until I could no longer feel her…. Until she was gone. _

"That was when I woke. I was crying, panicking, looking for Evey." Spencer 'Jill' Hastings-Swanson looked up at her therapist, Dr George Masly.

"You must be disappointed when you found Hanna." Dr George Masly added as he carefully looked at Spencer.

Spencer fidgeted uncomfortably in her chair before nodding.

"Yeah, I was." Spencer replied as she kept her eyes on the thread hanging from her knitted sweater, "We kind of fought after that. She… She slept in the couch."

Dr Masly sat more forward and captured Spencer's eyes.

"Spencer, you have to let Hanna in. She's your wife. I can't tell you that enough. Maybe if you tell Hanna about these dreams, she'll understand." Dr Masly said with sincerity evident in his voice.

However, Spencer shook her head and hugged her legs once more. A habit she developed to place herself away from those around her.

"No… I can't."

"Spencer, you have to learn to let her in. I know that Evey had been a huge part of your world before and I can't imagine the pain you must feel but it must be unbearable. To have someone so dear and close to your heart be taken away like that. It's not fair. It's not right. But it happened. I'm sorry that it did." Dr Masly explained.

Spencer kept her silence as she held her hands tightly and gently rubbed her thumb over her it.

"I just want you to know that you're not alone on this, Spencer. You're not. You have Hanna and your family and your friends. And I'm sure that if you allow yourself to open up something to them even if it was only a small thing about Evey, it wouldn't seem like a burden inside. Just try to open up, allow yourself to open a small window for others, let them come in… instead of clinging to everything so tightly. Okay?" Dr Masly gave Spencer a weak smile.

Spencer sighed and nodded before looking up at him.

"I'll try" The very same words Spencer spoke to Hanna that afternoon.

"I'm sorry, Hanna. I didn't mean to fight you or kick you to the couch again. It's just…. It's been hard. I'm sorry." Spencer apologised to Hanna who was lying on the couch, with all of her work spread across the coffee table.

"I know. But Spencer, I'm here… I'm here, babe. You can talk to me about it, about everything, you can come to me, okay? Just trust me and let me in. You're not alone here and you never have to be." Hanna explained as she reached out her arms to Spencer who smiled and came closer.

"I know. I'll try." Spencer said as Hanna wrapped her arms around her.

Yet Hanna had noticed that the words 'I'll try' seemed to sound more of a routine reply than a meaningful response. She hated how it had resorted into this. How Hanna could hug, kiss and touch Spencer but not really have the woman. There was a wall, a brick wall that was built too high for her. Sometimes she had wondered why she put up with Spencer's out bursts anymore. They both seem to just worn each other out as if they were racing each other to a finish line of emotional wreckage and unforgettable pain. It had been a cycle of keeping tickets and owing fees over everything. However, Hanna had found herself unable to leave, not even in her thoughts, she couldn't imagine the idea of losing Spencer… not again.

_Not like that. Ever again. I had lost her before and the ten years of my life following that was more than hell for me. It was like I was lost in space, endlessly floating over everyone and everything. Nothing to give me a reason to reach for the ground. Nothing to make me want to stop floating. It was endless and surreal… like watching myself move without my knowledge. Living because I was, not because I want to. I was up here in the atmosphere, hovering with the distant blinking stars and the vast beauty of the planets. I was floating and no one could reach me. I couldn't even reach me. _

_Yet before I flew into the darkness of the universe, I was with Spencer. Through the halls of the Rosewood High, through the concrete sidewalks passing my house to hers, through the closed doors of my room and hers, I have her. I have all of her. We spoke to each other without moving our lips. We exchanged subtle touches. We shared meaningful stares. The only problem about this love affair was we were kept in secrecy. Driven by our fear of rejection from our families, we love in silence. _

_At first, it was fine… exciting even. Maybe it was simply the thrill of getting caught. All the hushed whispers, the passionate hidden kisses, and the joy of something no one knew about. However, the exhilaration waned and troubles came crawling. Spencer became more distant and far away and I was getting lonely. Had I known the gravity of one simple mistake back then, I would have avoided it, kept to myself and broke through the mentality of looking out for me and only me. _

_It had been three months since I last spoke to Spencer much less kissed her. So when a boy with a sexy smile and devil-like charm gave me time and attention, I was quick to respond. It wasn't soon until our unconventional friendship unfolded into a relationship. I had thought that the affair with Spencer was a phase of exploration as I often called it. True enough, I was wrong and I should've known that when she asked if we could talk. _

"_I'll be a minute. Just need to help a friend." I spoke to Caleb before kissing him goodbye._

"_Sure. I'll wait…here." Caleb said as he patted the space next to him. _

_I smiled, shook my head and left. Spencer asked to meet me in the park, a park where we often played as kids and shared so many kisses and created memories. I found her in the swings, looking worried but beautiful nonetheless. _

"_Hey" I greeted her happily as I settled on the swing next to her._

"_Hey" I heard her voice broke a little, following a sniffle._

_I watched Spencer wipe her nose with the sleeve of her sweater and felt a strong pang of anger burst through my chest. I reached for her instantly, silently biting my anger and reserving ideas to whoever made her cry ways to pay. _

"_What's wrong, Spence? Hey, tell me." I said as I touched her arm._

_Spencer avoided looking at me for a second but when she finally did, I didn't see the pools of chocolate irises I always knew and love. This time, her eyes coloured a dark shade of brown, the kind of brown you find on the ground when there was little or no light at all. It was…. just holes of an abyss. It caught me in surprise and shock. I had never seen Spencer like this. I stepped back but tried to keep myself calm. Why? Because I knew Spencer and Spencer sometimes have a temper like no one I had known before. _

_Spencer kept her piercing gaze at me with an expression of pain, anger and frustration but I should have recognised it as hurt. Though at the time, I didn't. I only recognised how her eyes looked puffed and red from crying, how there were dark circles on her eyes and how distraught she looked. _

"_What happened?" I asked, growing concerned and scared by the minute. _

"_How could you, Hanna? How could you do this me?" Spencer finally spoke with a broken voice as she stood up._

_She looked so fragile then, like she was about to shatter like glass. However, as immature as I was then, I hadn't noticed. All I heard was her accusations._

"_What do you mean? What are you talking about?" I asked, feeling my defences came to the surface._

"_Just because I hadn't seen you in the last few weeks doesn't give you the right to come and find someone else! How could you replace me? How could you do it? And him?! Of all the people in this town, you had to go for someone like him! How do you expect me to feel?" Spencer spoke as she kept a hold of the swing, "How could you lie to me?"_

_I watched Spencer's tears fall from her eyes but missed the fact that her hands were shaking or that she was actually breaking down in front of me. All I knew that time was it was my fault._

"_What the hell are you talking about, Spence? Replace you? Lie to you? I'd done nothing wrong! And Caleb is not of your fucking business! He's my boyfriend, Spencer! What did you expect he'd be?" I asked as I felt my anger consume my thoughts, my control and my mouth, "Weren't you the one who left me hanging? You remember that? And for the record, it wasn't just 'a few weeks'; it was three goddamn months! Months, Spencer! I had tried so many times talking to you, asking you what the hell was wrong… but you know what you did? You shut me out… You pushed me away… You left me! So this whole thing isn't my fucking fault! It's yours! You did this!" _

_It was then that I saw surprise flash in Spencer's eyes instead of those fiery flames of darkness within but it faded as something else much heavier came to appear. It must've been sadness because the atmosphere around us felt thicker and as much as I just want to slap her across the face for asking me to take the blame for what happened, I couldn't… so all I did was stand there and endure it. That was the thing about Spencer's anger; it was similar to a passing storm; heavy, loud but brief. _

"_But you said you love me, remember? You said it." She spoke breathlessly as she let her tears fall and I swear I heard my heart break then but was too stubborn to pay it any attention._

"_You said it too." I spat it back, "So we both said things we didn't mean." _

_The words that Spencer said in the next few minutes were the words I was unprepared to hear but the words that haunted me for the following years. Words in which engraved her into my heart and my soul. If I had known, maybe… everything between us wouldn't feel so fragile and wouldn't be like walking towards an old hanging bridge about to give out upon pressure. _

"_But I meant it, Hanna. I do. That was why I couldn't come to you…because I came out to my parents. I told them I was a lesbian and that I love you like I was expected to love guys. And do you know what they said to me? They said that I was confused because of all the times I spent with you. That I was just making it all up in my head. That I wasn't a lesbian. All because I was a Hastings." Spencer let go of the swing and wiped her eyes before letting a small broken laugh escape from her, "And you know what they did? They put me through therapy and I was moved to the barn house but I didn't mind because I had said it, I told them I love you. But do you know what you did? You got yourself a boyfriend! A boyfriend, Hanna! A person of another gender that I couldn't literally compete with. And they knew. My parents knew and you made me a liar. Did you know I was put on meds? They think I'm delusional. But I know…I know you love me because you said it. I just didn't know you didn't mean it."_

_Upon hearing Spencer's revelations, I was left speechless. I was overwhelmed at the lengths she'd gone through to simply admit that she love me. I couldn't believe it, even to this day, I couldn't._

"_Spence… I" My voice trailed off as soon as I tried to form something to say. _

"_Don't, Hanna. Don't say anything. I think there's enough damage already. You've done enough. I guess they were right." Spencer spoke the last bit almost inaudibly before turning to leave._

_I cried once she was gone. I cried so much from the pain, from my foolishness, from my mistake. Then, three weeks later, Spencer was gone. She had gotten an early admission to Princeton and left… without goodbye. _

After that, Hanna filled her life with books, booze and endless string of boys, trying to fill the void that was Spencer. Time and time again, it was proven that in no amount of booze, no time spent on studying or no guy on this planet could ever come replace her. Hanna's life for ten years was empty because Spencer took something from her that night; her heart.

"Hanna?" Spencer's voice pulled Hanna out of her thoughts.

Hanna looked down and saw that Spencer's eyes were about to close. Maybe she had a hard day.

"Yes, babe?" Hanna asked.

"You know I love you, right?"

And that was why Hanna stayed…for that small window given by three simple words, spoken with honesty. In some ways, she was still astounded at how Spencer freely and bravely declared such things so easily. Not knowing those very words were the words spoken by a lingering ghost in Spencer's heart.

"Yes, Spence. I know and I love you too." Hanna placed a kiss on Spencer's temple and smiled.

Flash back five years earlier where Spencer was simply another name of another person she used to be and a haunting ghost of her past. Where Spencer wasn't taking any therapy sessions with Dr George Masly. Where Hanna Marin still belonged to her past and not to her present. Where Spencer was married to another woman.

Five years earlier, she was Dr S. Jill Hastings-Swanson, a member of prominent diagnostics team in Princeton Hospital and married to Evangeline 'Evey' Hastings-Swanson, an angel sent from above who had changed her life.

However, at the hands of cruel fate, there was a catch, a painful price Jill needed to pay for having such a wonderful and rare person in her life. It was a horrible tricky and a grand truth about life; it came with death. The tip of her problem lay within Evey's damaged genes.

"_Sickle cell disease" Were the words that sealed Evey's fate since she was born. _

_It was genetically inherited and there was no cure. Evey's red blood cells weren't formed properly, robbing them off their functions and creating problems to her body. Yet, fate didn't stop there. The appalling punch line of the situation lived in one word; baby. _

"_I'm pregnant?" Evey asked the doctor, as she held tight on the hospital sheets._

"_Yes. It seemed your attempts paid off." The doctor smiled._

_Jill looked at Evey with surprise and shock written in her face, only to receive the same reaction. They had been trying to get a child through in vitro and sperm donation. They didn't really think it would work, especially with Evey's already delicate health condition._

_Three weeks later, Evey collapsed and was taken to the hospital. Despite having sharp throbbing chest pains, she was more concerned for the child than herself because there was some bleeding. Another three hours, the word baby shattered both women in pieces. _

"_I'm sorry." The doctor spoke with as much sincerity he could muster. _

_For days after that, Evey didn't speak to Jill, much less look at the woman. Tears were poured and given at the crushed dream of building a family. It almost took Evey from Jill because she had fallen ill. _

"_Listen to me, okay? I need you! I need you to get better! I need you to take your meds! I need you to stop fighting with the nurses! I need you to live!" Jill spoke as she gripped at Evey's hands, feeling her fear and frustration concocted a dangerous mixture; anger._

"_Why?" Evey cried out as she tried to yank her hands free from Jill's vice grip._

"_Because I love you! You're my reason to live! You're my reason to wake up every morning and sleep at night! You're my reason why I go to work and save other people's lives! You're my reason to keep going! I can't live without you, don't you know that? You're my life, dammit!" Jill replied angrily as she broke down in tears in front of her wife. _

_Without a question or a second passing by, Evey pulled Jill into her arms, kissed her eyes and wiped the woman's tears._

"_Okay... I'm here, love. I'm here and you're my life too. And everything else that you said." Evey said while gently rocking the woman._

_Her response made Jill laugh._

"_Don't mock me. I mean it." Jill pulled away as she looked at Evey straight in the eyes, feeling embarrassed at displaying her weakness._

"_Well, I mean it too. You just have a way with words and I love you too." Evey replied with another kiss on Jill's lips._

Jill approached the room 2316. It was another hospital room with a view of the parking lot but the patient wasn't just 'another' patient. She stood in the doorway for the moment, taking the view of the woman on the bed. Without any help from any lighting, the woman was beautiful. Her long loose piano black hair was pulled into a loose ponytail that settled on the woman's right shoulder. Her porcelain skin glowed a little without any effort. Her eyes that shined with such life borrowed the colours of fresh new leaves in summer. The smile forming on the woman's lips filled Jill's chest with love and joy. It took a moment but the woman noticed Jill's presence.

"Come in, love. Have you waited long?" The woman asked with her gentle English accent as she placed her book down on her lap.

Jill smiled back and walked to sit on the chair nearby.

"No, I was just enjoying the view." Jill replied with a smile as she took the woman's hands and intertwined it with hers.

The look the woman gave Jill was of a curious child, making Jill smile more. Finally, the woman laughed that sounded like sweet symphony upon reaching Jill's ears.

"Someone's in a good mood. I assume you had a good day today? Did you meet someone?" The woman asked.

"Yes, it was a good day but do you know what would make it better?" Jill avoided the last question.

"What?" The woman leaned in and so did Jill.

"This" Jill whispered and closed the distance between her and her wife, Evey.

Evey had fallen seriously ill about six months before and things weren't looking good ever since. She had problem breathing and her heart have problems beating. She moaned a little at the kiss and her heart rate increased.

"Maybe I should be more careful with you." Jill spoke as she pulled away and watched Evey control her heart.

"Yes… No… It's me." Evey said once her heart was back to its normal pace.

"No… It's me. I shouldn't have done that." Jill looked away and berated herself mentally at her lack of control downstairs.

"Hey…. No… It's me, love. Not you." Evey pressed the matter as she reached for Jill's face and met the woman's chocolate orbs, "I just get premature ventricular contractions whenever you're around, and you make me hyperventilate when you smile at me. My eyes dilate at the sight of you. I can't form coherent thought when you kiss me. In plain English, I'm crazy about you. It's simply a shame that I'm sick."

Jill smiled back at her. Then, Evey's smile faded.

"I also want you to know that you don't have to lie. You can go. With her." Evey said seriously.

This time, it was Jill's turn to feel her heart pick up a pace and breathing fastened. It wasn't her intention to lie or lie by omission. It wasn't. All she wanted was to keep Evey worry-free, not that the woman was ever worry-free. She just didn't want to put her wife into the position of worrying about what it would all mean and what could it possibly mean. After all, Hanna Marin was a huge part of her past and with a history she shared with her, Evey could just be digging her own grave.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lie to you or anything. It's just a little catch up, you know? Between friends?" Jill hated how she managed to make excuses for her actions.

"It's okay. You go and have a fun tonight." Evey replied as she pulled her hand away from Jill's hands.

At that moment, Jill saw Evey break her own heart. It tugged on hers as well as it weighed her guilt a thousand times heavier. It felt like a slap across the face too fast to be noticed. It was alarming and nerve-wrecking. As much as she wanted to change Evey's decision, she knew she couldn't. That was the one thing she knew about her wife; the woman was as stubborn as she was. There was no turning back, not without a fight happening and she didn't want that.

"Hey, it's not like that, love." Jill pressed on.

She had to try to ease the pain, right? Yet Evey put on courteous smile.

"I won't expect you 'till tomorrow morning to tell me all about it. Don't miss a detail, okay?" Evey deepened the cut in both of their hearts.

Jill felt herself fracture in different places. Guilt was eating her away inside. Madness was clawing out all the reason and logic out of her mind. Fear was twisting her insides in uncomfortable positions. Shame was making any movements hard and heavy. Pain, however, was the worse of all; pain from the fact that Evey was letting her go, pain that she unknowingly gave Evey the shovel to dig her own grave and pain in betrayal of their marriage.

Somehow, Jill knew she didn't deserve Evey. The woman was too good for her. She almost hated herself for indulging all her desires with her when there was someone else better for the woman. It was both constructive and destructive. She was being put back together, being cared for and being whole-heartedly loved by this woman. While at the same time, she robbed someone else more deserving than herself the time, energy and attention from Evey.

"You'll tell me, right?" Evey added on, knowing Jill was preoccupied with her dark thoughts.

Jill, not knowing what else to do, placed a smile that felt forced and nodded.

"Yes, I will." Her response was laced with deception and false enthusiasm.

After what felt like years but mere seconds in reality, Evey reached out for Jill's hands. She moved it towards her face and kissed it.

"You know I love you, right?" A genuine smile came to reappear back in Evey's lips.

Most of the times, Jill wondered how she became so fortunate at meeting such a person like Evey.

"Yes, I know" Jill replied as she smiled back.

Not knowing that conversation would be the last they would have. After a short while, Evey watched Jill leave her room and knowingly leave with everything she had.

Later that evening, when Jill had met up with Hanna at a fancy restaurant, a simple thing as a phone call changed her life like a tsunami swallowing whole a land, leaving nothing but ruins.

"Sorry. I have to take this. It's the hospital." Jill said as she looked for her phone on her bag.

"Okay. I'll be here." Hanna said with a smile.

"Okay." Jill added as she stood up and left the table for a much private area for her phone call, "Yes?"

The following words came to Jill like a knife in her heart. Something she didn't know she had had been taken so ruthlessly, so violently and so easily that left her empty. She came back to the table and started to gather her things.

"I'm sorry… I have to go." Jill tried to still her shaking voice.

Hanna reached for her and had picked up her tone.

"What's wrong, Spence? Will you tell me?" As soon as Hanna spoke those words, especially 'Spence', Jill was brought back to her old self ten years ago, when she was still known as Spencer instead of Jill, when she was still a Hastings instead of a Swanson.

It took Jill a second to response but all what she needed to say was one word.

"Evey" Jill whispered it softly that Hanna almost missed it; almost missed how Jill didn't want to say the name and almost missed how broken her voice sounded upon saying it.

What surprised Jill was how Hanna reacted to this sudden turn of events.

"Okay. Let me get the bill and I'll meet you out front." Hanna said as she stood up and approached a waiter, surprising Jill.

It wasn't soon until they reached the hospital but as fate would have it, they came a little late. Within reach but still with some distance, Jill saw the doctors work on Evey, resuscitating her back into life and charging the paddles in attempt to shock her heart into beating once more. However, with each attempt came nothing but the notion of Evey's body lifelessly jolting from the electrical charges. Without end, she heard the high-pitched tone of flat lining from the monitor in the background… until finally, the doctor stopped and called it.

"Time of death, 10:13 pm." The voice of the doctor sounded muffled to Jill.

Hearing the doctor, the reality settled in. Jill was inconsolable. Words with venom and hate came spilling out from her as she tried to resuscitate, tried to make the heart beat, tried to bring her wife back to life.

"COME ON, EVEY! GODDAMNIT! BREATH! DON'T YOU DARE! COME ON! PLEASE!" Jill yelled out as she kept on resuscitating Evey.

It was as painful as she could possibly imagine it, having something within her reach hers forever then simply watch it slip away. It was unbearable that tore her into seams. She was unravelling, unfolding, shattering. Visions of their future came to her, simply to throw salt into open wounds.

_Jill smiled as she felt Evey kiss her on the cheek. _

"_Morning, love." Evey said. _

"_Maybe just five more minutes." Jill groaned as she pulled the blanket tighter around her but keeping a smile in her face._

_Then, out of nowhere, voices of young children came filling the room._

"_Mum! Wake up! Mum, wake up!" A voice of a young boy called out._

"_Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" A voice of a much younger girl joined in._

_All the while, small bodies came into their bed and nudged, moved and pushed sleep out of Jill's eyes but causing laughter from Evey._

"_We're being attacked by little elves! Save yourself!" Evey called out jokingly and Jill sat up to see that the girl had Evey in a tight hug while being tickled by the boy. _

"_I will save you, my love!" Jill bravely and dramatically claimed as she moved to tickle the children._

_A round of shrieks, laughter and fits of giggles filled the air…. until Jill found Evey in her arms once more along with their children as they enjoyed watching the morning cartoons._

"_I love you" Jill whispered these words into Evey's ear then turning to their children, "Who wants waffles?"_

_Sebastian, the seven year old boy raised his hand and smiled. He was almost the miniature version of Jill with the exception of his eyes that were like Evey's. _

"_I do! I do!" Sebastian called out with excitement evident in his voice._

"_Who… wants pancakes?" Jill added and saw her youngest daughter beamed._

"_Me! Me! Me!" Izzie called out in the similar manner as her brother._

_Izzie was four years of age and was strong-headed as ever. She was like Evey, strong, brave and compassionate. Though her eyes were brown as Jill's. _

"_Well, you two better clean up your rooms and get yourselves washed." Jill explained and as soon as she said that, Sebastian and Izzie scrambled to get out of the room._

_A second passed and Jill turned to Evey._

"_Finally, alone again." Jill added as she placed another kiss on Evey's lips._

_Evey giggled and happily kissed back._

"_I love you too." Evey replied, making Jill smile even brighter._

By each second, with her strength failing her, Jill crumpled into a crying mess, hugging and rocking her wife's unmoving cold body. Whispering promises and words that she had wished spoke to the woman earlier.

"Come on! Breathe for me, love! Please? Come back… Come back to me, love." Jill whispered with a broken voice.

Flash forward five years later. Present time where Spencer was still grieving and hurting. Where Hanna watched the wall thicken between herself and her wife. Where everything was a cycle of 'giving' and 'taking'. Where silence was sharp as a butcher's knife and cut into their souls like it too. Where both women stood at opposite sides with no bridge in between. Where any small spark could ignite a war to life, creating friction, spreading tension and causing ruins lay in their wake. Where Spencer was once again in a fight with Hanna.

"Spence, will you just listen?" Hanna asked with a raised voice.

"Listen? Are you kidding me? We've talked about this, Hanna!" Spencer replied in the similar manner.

"Yes, we have but you need to do something about it. I'm tired of seeing you mope around here all day, doing nothing! You're not going to get any better if you stay this way!"

"Oh, I'm sorry… am I depressing you? Here's a solution! Don't fucking look at me! Do you think I like feeling like shit all day? Like I hadn't had enough shit already? And what? You're just a ball of happiness after work? Oh, wait! You're always at work!" Spencer clenched her fists tightly.

The only person that could match Spencer's rage was Hanna and both women knew that. This fight was among the fights they had and just like the others, it wouldn't end without someone giving, breaking and hurting. As twisted and warped things developed for them, so did they. Spencer began keeping scores of every faults, blames, and accusations as Hanna began to take back everything she did. Not knowing that they were simply replicating the same fight almost fifteen years ago.

"Don't you understand? My wife is dead!" Spencer yelled out in anger as tears fall from her eyes.

"I'm your wife!" Hanna replied in the same manner as she raised her right hand in front of Spencer to show the gold band around her finger.

Spencer tensed at Hanna's response as if it was the most horrible thing the woman had said though it was true. She married her two years ago and sometimes she wondered if she should have. In hard silence, she turned away from her and gripped her arms tightly, trying so hard to keep her hands where they were… until she heard her scoff.

"That's right. We're fucking married… I'm your goddamn wife. So, you will-" Hanna was interrupted.

"Stop, Hanna! Just stop!" Spencer replied as her anger melted into sadness when she looked at her own ring finger and saw the wedding ring.

"No… You will listen to me, Spencer! Even if I have to tell you a thousand times!" Hanna went on.

Spencer clasped her ears with her hands, trying to block out Hanna but couldn't.

"You stop this right now, Spencer! And listen!" Hanna kept yelling.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Spencer felt her anger rush to the surface as she turned around.

"She's dead, Spencer! Ev-"

"Don't you fucking say her name!" Spencer called out and rushed in front of Hanna with a raised hand.

In a span of a second, Spencer was sure her hand was going to hit Hanna but saw the sick surprise and fear in her ocean coloured eyes. Then, she realised what she was thinking of doing and was about to do.

_Spencer stood in front of her father with tears rolling from her eyes but she refused to wipe them. She had just come out _

"_No, you're not" Her father said._

"_What?" Spencer replied, unbelieving at her father's response and reaction._

"_You're not this person… Okay? You're just confused." Her father pressed on the matter. _

"_No! I'm not confused, Dad. I'm g-" Spencer stopped as she felt the hard slap across her face. _

"_I don't want to hear it again, Spence. You're just confused and tired. Go to bed." Her father said as he turned away from her and sighed._

In that instance, she pushed Hanna gently and turned away once more. Embarrassed at how easily she turned like her father and ashamed at how she treated Hanna. Hanna, who was stunned and shocked at what happened, turned away from her and grabbed her bag and coat.

"Don't wait up." Hanna quietly said before heading straight for the front door.

Hearing the front door slam shut, Spencer fell to her knees and tears came flooding as she felt waves of emotions. Then, she pulled the silver chained necklace she was wearing and stared at the simple diamond ring as the light made it sparkle and shimmer beautifully. Engraved around the inside of the ring was a simple phrase 'my love now and forever'. A small weak smile reached her lips.

Wiping her tears away, Spencer picked herself up from the floor. She went to grab her car keys and coat before approaching the front door. She even made a small stop at a flower shop, picking six beautiful red roses as clichéd as it seemed. Not knowing Hanna was wasting her pain away with a bottle of vodka at a pub.

"I fucking love her, you know?" Hanna rambled as she downed her glass.

"You have mentioned it a thousand times, Hanna." Trent the bartender replied as he wiped the freshly cleaned glasses behind the counter.

"But it doesn't seem enough. What do I get for loving her? We fight all the time. And in times that we don't fight, we barely talk and… it just feels like it's not right. Like she doesn't love me… But she married me!" Hanna reached for the bottle, "That should count for something! Right?"

"You should talk to her about this." Trent replied at Hanna's ramblings.

At Trent's reply, Hanna let out a dark laugh and drank from the bottle.

"Right… because we talk all the time." Hanna replied with sarcasm lacing her tone, "But I think she owes me… a lot. I mean, I was there for her through all this shit… She managed to alienate herself from everyone, you know? I'm all she has. Plus she wouldn't survive without me. I should get credit for all that. I'm supposed to get more than what she had given me! And she's my wife. You see this, right?"

Hanna waved her hand in front of Trent, displaying the golden band.

"Yes, I see it, Hanna." Trent continued cleaning the counter, working around Hanna.

"She treats me like I'm not good enough! You know? Like I'm not worthy of her! Who does she think she is? Some sort of superior being or some shit? You know, if I get a penny for all the things I did for her? I'd be a fucking millionaire right about now." Hanna added as she reached for the bottle but a hand kept it in its place, "Oh! Now, what? I paid for the fucking bottle, Trent!"

"I think you've had enough." Emily said as she nodded at Trent, "Thanks for calling."

"Hey, Em! Good to see you!" Hanna noticed Emily and beamed like a drunken woman.

"No worries." Trent left Hanna's side, "Coffee?"

"Yes, please… make it black." Emily said before grabbing Hanna and moving her to a booth.

"You're going to drink too?" Hanna asked as she sat on the opposite side of Emily.

"Tell me what happened." Emily said as she leaned on the table and ignored Hanna's invitation for liquor.

"How's Paige liking California?" Hanna went on, ignoring Emily's question and knowing how Emily was affected by Paige's job promotion, causing the woman to move to California.

"Tell me what happened, Hanna." Emily pressed on and watched Hanna sigh and squirm on her seat, ignoring the probe Hanna delivered by mentioning Paige.

That was all Emily had to say because Hanna came spilling every detail of the fight and began to ramble about it. For the most part, Emily was not surprised of hearing how intense the fight was because of both women's unmanageable tempers but she couldn't believe at how different things had been for the couple.

"You're on my side, right? I mean I have a point! The woman's been dead for five years. Why can't she move on?" Hanna spoke as the coffee came, "Coffee? Really? I need something stronger than that."

Emily sighed. How were things ever going to be fixed between the two when their problems seemed to run deeper than it looked?

"Do you remember when Maya died?" Emily asked.

"Yes, I remember. You were always drunk and hated everyone." Hanna pointed as she began to sober up.

"That was because I loved Maya. I thought of her as my world and when she died, everything left scattered. I was lost and was mourning for her, for her love, her smile, her laughter… everything." Emily explained.

"I know… Aria and I had to intervene you from your drinking so much. What's your point?"

"My point is that's how Spencer feels. Hanna, you have to think about this. Spencer was married to her for four years. I know it's not long but that doesn't mean it meant nothing. The woman must've been Spencer's world; Spencer's one and only. And to be still hurting means she really loves her. Because she finds it hard to move on, to say goodbye."

"I know all that. I know how much bigger Evey was in Spencer's world. Want to know why? Because she's still part of it." Hanna pointed.

"Exactly my point. Spencer lost someone and that loss affects her, Hanna. It does. For me, it was easier to hate when Maya died. When hating didn't work, I drank. Because drinking makes me forget about the pain, the pain of losing her and pain of loving her. It was easier but it was stupid. Because I wasn't doing anything to help me, I was just simply numbing the pain." Emily continued

"For Spencer, that loss caused her to alienate everyone but don't you know you're lucky? Spencer let you get closer than the rest of us. She wouldn't talk to me or Aria or her family. Like you said, you're all she has and look how far she had gotten with you, she married you, Hanna… instead of pushing you away like the rest of us. She let you in. There must've been a reason."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Maybe she needs you, more than you know."

"Right."

"But how do you expect her to need you when you're like this?" Emily was losing patience with Hanna's attitude.

"Like what?" Hanna curtly asked.

"You throw back everything you did for her like a slap on her face! You keep score of everything she says concerning her ex-wife! You act like ass, disregarding everyone except yourself! How do you expect her to let you any closer, Hanna? When you don't give a damn about her? You can't keep reminding her about your marriage like it's some sort of chain keeping her to you. You don't wave around your wedding band to show she's yours. You don't treat like this! You can't treat like this! You shouldn't! But why do you? Tell me! I want to know! What makes you think you have a right to do that?"

Hanna fell silent at Emily's response.

"Do you even love her?"

"Of course, I do! Why would you think otherwise?' Hanna replied defensively.

"Then, pull yourself together! Be better than you are now. She needs you… That much I know. But if you-"

"I love her, Emily. I mean it." Hanna pressed on.

"But if you think you got more than you bargained for, if you think everything is just too much to handle, let her go, Hanna. Because if you're not committed to her 100%, you're might be doing more damage than needed."

Hanna looked at Emily seriously; reflecting on those two years of her life with Spencer then suddenly remembered the last fight she had with her before disappearing.

"_Spence… I"_

"_Don't, Hanna, don't say anything. I think there's enough damage already. You've done enough. I guess they were right." _

As Hanna began to have a change of perspective, Spencer was fast approaching a change of scenery. A place surrounded by soothing greenery. A place where silence was not a force used against people but a calming and comforting blanket. A place where colourful and beautiful flowers indicate how often people visit. A place where others even light a candle, say a prayer and have a moment in a peaceful sadness. A place where the liveliness of the environment felt the need to compensate for the lack of life. A place where the only thing left of a person was a headstone and a grave.

Spencer parked not far from the entrance and took a minute to wipe her tears away and make herself presentable. Looking at herself through her rear view mirror, she sighed and left the vehicle to approach a grave with a name of her fallen angel.

"Hey, love." Spencer spoke with a soft voice as she kneeled and settled to sit on the grass, "Guess what I have? Six red roses."

Spencer placed the roses near the headstone and smiled.

"Sorry, half a dozen, I mean." Spencer added as she chuckled to herself, "You like it?"

A second passed and Spencer sighed as she touched the petals of the roses.

"I had a fight with her…. Again and guess what I almost did?" Spencer felt her eyes water once more, "I almost tried to hit her… I can't believe it. I almost hit her. God, I'm horrible!"

Sobs quietly danced with silence in the atmosphere.

"How can I do that to her? She's been nothing but good to me! I don't think I can come back to that house anymore. I don't think she'll come around, Evey! She'll leave me! I know it!" Spencer spoke between sobs as she left the petals and gripped hard on the grass, " Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to die? Why did it have to be you?"

Spencer's tears dropped on the grass.

"You were my life, love! Didn't you know that? Haven't I told you enough? You were my everything! My sunshine, my sunset, my moonlight and my starry night sky! Do you know how it hurts to wake up in the morning and sleep at night without you? How much I wished you were here instead of being alone by myself? How much I missed your habit of holding my hand? How much I missed hearing your voice, telling me stories of how your day been? How much you can read me like your books? How much you sing? Play your guitar? Look at me those gorgeous green eyes and smile at me over nothing? How frustrating it is fighting with you? How much you stand by your decision that I try to bend backwards to change?"

By the time she finished speaking, breathing had become a chore and the stream of tears blurred everything. Yet the pain of the loss scorched and wounded her like time hadn't pass. Questions that spread anger joined the rush of emotions already invading her.

"You were fine! When I left! How could you? You were fine! You made me promise to tell you everything!" Spencer's broken voice echoed throughout the cemetery, "and I'll tell you now "

And Spencer told her everything, every detail. How she showered and wore the formal black dress Evey picked out for her. How she used her favourite perfume and put on light make up. How she wore heels and was out by their apartment by 8.12 p.m. She arrived at the restaurant around half past and ordered Pinot Noir.

Then, Hanna arrived roughly three minutes late and looking her best like always.

They chatted about what they did on college and about people back in Rosewood, how things changed but remained the same.

Not long after that, Hanna saw the diamond ring and Spencer was more than happy to tell her story about her life with Evey. Their food came and they ate in silence. Afterwards, they reminisced about their high school and everything that had happened except their closeted relationship.

"Then, I got the call. We rushed out of there and she drove. There wasn't a lot of traffic but we cut through the intersection. Once we reached the hospital, I almost ripped her car door open, trying to get out. She came after me and I tried to get there in time but…. Damn it! You-"

Yet no matter how many times Spencer recalled that night, she couldn't finish, couldn't speak of what happened. Just like every time she talked about that night, she fell to the ground, grasping deeper at the grass and crying so hard that it was the only sound echoing through the place. Among the sounds of her heart-broken cries were string of words that she believed could ease the pain, could make the loss easier to cope, create a sense of forgiveness to banish her guilt.

"I'm sorry… I love you… Forgive me." Spencer repeated her mantra in a hoarse voice.

In the midst of her hysteria, it took Spencer a second to feel the strong arms rubbing circles on her back. It took her a minute to hear a voice that spoke of soothing words. It took her a while to realise she wasn't alone.

"Its okay, dearie… It's going to be okay… You're going to be okay." A male voice with a strong English accent spoke.

Spencer recognised the accent and clung tighter to the ground before turning to look at the man. It was Henry, Evey's father and her used-to-be father-in-law. The man who made her jump through hoops to get to Evey and the man who accepted her with open arms when she came through. Upon seeing him, she sat up and embraced him as if her life depended on it and somehow, she believed it kind of did.

Henry held her even tighter and felt his voice break a little. Tears escaped his control and fell upon the pain of their loss. Yet he steadied himself and returned to coax the obviously distraught Spencer.

"Shhhh…. It's going to be okay… You're going to be okay." He repeated the same words he spoke before.

As if the heavens felt the pain both of them felt, dark stormy clouds began to roll in and rain began to fall. Henry quickly grabbed Spencer to stand up and led the woman into her car and safely from the rain. Still, her tears continued to pour, joining the thunderous symphony of the weather.

"Hey, how about I drive you home?" Henry offered as he handed Spencer the napkin box nearby.

"Okay." Was all Spencer uttered with a broken voice as she wiped her tears with napkins from the handed napkin box.

Neither filled the silence with words nor felt compelled to. They just sat through the silence, listening to the pitter-patter rain against the metal surface of the vehicle. No feeling of comfort or awkwardness hovered over them, simply empty cold silence. The ride to Spencer's place wasn't a long ride but somehow, it felt like it. Words held no power over the silence with such volumes talking, basking, and living in the pain of the loss both of them experienced. There was just silence…that both moved and glued them to it.

For Henry, losing his own precious daughter was more than a knife to his heart; it was an abhorrent attack to his soul. It was unkind, unjust and uncalled for. Since knowing that his daughter couldn't possibly live a normal life, he had done everything in his power to make sure she could live. Despite his wife's unmarital affairs with endless string of men, he pushed his troubled marriage aside in return of focusing in his daughter's welfare. To say that Evey was his only family was forwardly an understatement; she was the reason why he had been solid all those years. She was the reason why he pushed forward instead of back. She was also the reason, painful as it was, why he understood Spencer more than anybody.

Henry pulled the car into park in front of Spencer's new residence. It was a beautiful house with its fine architecture and design. The front yard bloomed with such greenery and colour. Flowers of different kinds blossomed so beautifully as the plants of different types created an earthy environment. Yet despite how beautiful and homey the place looked, it seemed far from it. It took a moment before Spencer finally spoke up.

"Thanks for driving me here." Spencer said as she stared at her house as if it was haunted.

"No worries, dearie." Henry replied as he turned off the engine and pulled out the key from the ignition.

Spencer and Henry got out of the car and felt the strong drizzle of the rain. Both of them rushed into shelter provided by the front porch.

"Sorry, you had to see me like this, Henry." Spencer said as she settled to sit by the door.

"It's okay, it's hard for me too." Henry handed Spencer her car keys, "Aren't you going to go inside?"

Spencer looked at him and shook her head.

"Not yet" Was Spencer's response.

Henry sighed and felt the small box inside his coat.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. I really am." Henry spoke as he moved to touch the box wrapped in brown crumpled paper from being tampered.

"Me too." Spencer replied absent-mindedly.

Henry presented the horribly wrapped package to Spencer. At first, Spencer was curious at how badly wrapped the box was then she recognised the seriousness in the man's eyes.

"What is it?" Spencer asked as she stood up.

"I should have given it to you at her funeral but you have to understand… I have to understand why she…and you… She was my only daughter, my only family." Henry choked upon the tears as the woman in front of him was struck by realisation.

"You waited five years!" Spencer yelled as she snatched the package off Henry as anger rose, "How could you?"

As much as Spencer wanted to curse the man for the rest of his days, words were not enough to convey the venom of her tongue or the extent of her anger.

"Please… I know it's no excuse but she was my only daughter… Please, Spencer… You have to understand. It's the only thing I have of hers."

"She was my wife!" Spencer growled at him.

Henry felt his tears fall. It was a betrayal of trust, what he did. Though he really did want to give the package to her, he couldn't. He needed to understand certain things about their marriage, their life, and their love. He needed to know, wanted to know everything… because he was no longer involved in Evey's life when Spencer came walking in. She was his child, his only child. The need to understand, was that such a horrible thing to do?

"I know… but you weren't the only one who lost her. I'm her father, Spencer! Do you think you were the only one capable of loving her? I had loved her since she was born and I loved her even more when I knew she was… when I knew she was going to be sick. She was my world too." Henry sobbed as he looked away from Spencer's seething glare, "I know… you might not forgive me for doing this but no parent should bury their child, Spencer, it's not right. I hope you understand that."

Then, Spencer watched Henry walk out into the thundering storm, feeling her anger dissipate in the process. In a heartbeat, she turned around, opened the front door and rushed inside.

_The box contained letters and a video camera. Not just a single letter hand written but pages and pages of letters, dated at different months and all within a span of four years. I nearly broke down just simply unwrapping the letters from their envelopes and seeing her familiar handwriting. I no longer held any control on my tears but I was surprised at the sound of laughter. I remembered her saying how much she hated her handwriting, claiming it to be childish and not of her age. I sighed as I felt a slight tremble on my hands upon unfolding the first letter. It was dated during our honeymoon. _

_Evey told of tales about the flight and about how 'incredibly happy' she was. She spoke of the moments where she would watch me sleep or watch me wake up. She talked about the things I did, cooked and spoke off. She recalled my smiles, my laughter, my kisses and… my touches. She also expressed how she was both scared and excited for the first day of the rest of 'our' lives. _

_I cried halfway, almost couldn't finish reading but I did and crumpled the letter in the process. That was then I realised… that collection of letters was an actual fact stories, memories, pieces of our lives and marriage. _

_I found another letter, possibly the last one… It was dated approximately two days before she passed. Reading it tore my heart in slices. That was when I realised she was beginning to say goodbye. It was about of her regrets and joys. I didn't finish, of course. I moved onto the small discs for the video camera. Then I saw a familiar date and began to sift through the letters for similar one. My luck? I found it. _

_One last letter… on the day she died. By this time, I was finding it hard to breath, I couldn't control my shaking hands and my eyes were starting to burn from crying. Yet I pushed on. I opened the letter. She told me some stuff, personal goodbyes and wishes for me. Then, I saw a photograph of us with ten kids, patients in the same hospital we had lovingly adopted as our own._

_She wrote…._

I know you wanted a family and when we lost a child, it tore us. I know it did. But you see, we had kids. Ten of them, actually! Remember? Maybe it wasn't the family we had seen in our imaginations but a family nonetheless. We had six boys and four girls.

Tyler was the oldest at 15 and most stubborn of all. He likes to argue like you! But he was a good kid, just had a bad experience with people. I bet he's as smart as you, love. Then, we have Jason at 11. He'd make a good brother, keeps the twins in line, Alexander and Neil at 9. Always says he'd grow up to be a soldier or a police officer. I hope you'd be able to change his mind. Charlie came after Jason at 10. Sweet girl, head strong and a little excited getting herself a boyfriend. The twins… Alexander and Neil. They're a pair of sneaky troublemakers, aren't they? Always with fighting with toys and everything else. At least Scott and Roxy, following the twins at 8, get along well. They understand the concept of sharing better than the twins. Then, Matthew at 7, Shannon at 6 and Little Allie at 4. Such angels, especially little Allie but asks a lot of questions, especially little Allie. Don't they just grow up too fast? Will you keep an eye on them for me, love? Make sure they stay out of trouble.

_I played the disc and saw Little Allie's fourth birthday party at the children's ward play room. We had set up streamers and colourful decorations of characters they saw in TV. It was a day filled with cake, gifts, laughter, smiles, hugs and kisses. Basically what it would've felt like when throwing your own child's party. I watched the kids including Evey and me sing the birthday song and blew the candles. _

"_What are you going to say, pumpkin? What did you want to tell me?" Evey said as little Allie settled on her lap._

"_Oh… is this a secret?" Tyler, who was holding the camera, asked._

"_No! I just… wanted to say I love you and this is the best birthday party ever!" Allie said as she placed a kiss on Evey's cheek._

"_Aww… thanks, pumpkin. Go tell Jill too! Quick!" Evey said._

_The camera came to show myself with Allie in her arms._

"_So I hear a little princess wants to say something?" I asked as I placed a kiss on Allie's cheek._

"_I love you and this is the best birthday ever!" Allie said as she kissed me and hugged me tightly._

"_Okay. I love you, sweetheart." I said as I put the girl down and looked at the camera._

"_You don't call me sweetheart." Tyler pointed in which I replied with looking at him with an unamused look and his laughter came._

_It went to show Evey playing her guitar and singing along with the children songs by Michael Bubble, Ed Sheeran, Katy Perry and the others. Then, it showed Evey in her hospital bed, singing songs for me with her guitar. _

Spencer was engrossed by the memories and the loss that she hadn't noticed Hanna walked in.

"Hey" Hanna said as she walked up to her, wrapping her arms around her wife immediately.

Spencer moved closer and held on to Hanna tightly, crying so hard.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here." Hanna said.

For a while, Hanna kept her silence, listened to Spencer's cries and watched the videos of Evey. She just held her and occasionally, placed a kiss here and there. When Spencer calmed down a bit, she looked at Hanna in the eye.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry for how I acted. You've been nothing but good to me. Will you forgive me?" Spencer asked.

Hanna smiled and placed a kiss on Spencer's forehead.

"You don't have to ask, Spence. I forgive you and I'm sorry too. I'm sorry for not being understanding of you. I'm sorry for being an ass. Will you forgive me?" Hanna said.

"Yes. I forgive you." Spencer replied with a smile as she hugged Hanna tightly.

Once Spencer let go, Hanna noticed the mess of letters and small discs.

"What are these?" Hanna asked.

"Letters and videos from Evey." Spencer replied, "Want to see something?"

Hanna looked at Spencer who wiped her hands and fumbled with the video camera. She smiled and moved closer to her.

"What is it?"

"A birthday party we throw for Little Allie." Spencer replied.

That night Spencer didn't keep it all in. She showed Hanna the videos and let Hanna read some of the letters. She talked about it. For the first time in a long time, she talked about it, about Evey, about her illness and about everything that happened that day.

That night Hanna didn't fight. She didn't argue with Spencer for being so absorbed with her dead ex-wife. She listened to the stories. She watched the videos and heard the songs Evey sang. She held and comforted her wife instead of thinking of herself.

It was a step for both of them for something better. A night where their cycles were broken; cycles of fighting and of keeping scores. Where everything they thought was destroyed beyond repair mended in front of their eyes. Just like pieces of a puzzle falling into place for a bigger picture.

* * *

Any ideas, opinions or comments are welcome. Thanks for reading.


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